Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Epiphany

When I was 16, I had a crush on my grandparents' neighbours'  son. He ticked all the boxes. He was very smart, and from my community. He rode a motor bike that may or may not have been a Harley. He also had a sneering way of talking that made my heart beat faster. He spoke french, and went to university in Europe.  When I was 17, he was unimaginably cool, and I thought he had the most awesome bad boy appeal.

I met this paragon of manly virtue again this week. He has done well for himself I am happy to report. But I was unmoved. In fact, I noticed quite a lot of other things. Like how he enjoyed putting down the women in his life (yes he treats his mother like shit), how he used snide commentary and name calling to 'keep women in their place' (he pulled that with my mother), and how he thinks women are intellectually and physically weaker than him- and then look shocked when proven otherwise (he tried to win an arguement with me LOL). He struck me as very immature, and blind to the world around him because he was convinced of his own superiority.

What the hell was I thinking when I was 16? 

I also had an epiphany this weekend. I realized that I subconsciously always held this guy up to be the perfect example of what my ideal 'matchmade groom' should be like. I've always fallen for men like this even outside the matchmaking circuit. While I was 16, and a dumbass- it was excusable. But when I was older and burnt once I should have learnt. But here I am 28 years old with countless broken hearts under my belt, and only realizing this now.

I really am slow on the uptake sometimes. >_<

With so much of value placed on a woman's role as caretaker for a family in my community, a single woman is considered a personal shame for parents. And so when my parents set me up with various men, it struck me that I almost always risked my heart for this chauvinistic type of man, waiting for him to make up his mind, and then getting my heart broken and my soul ripped apart when he lands upon a flimsy reason to break things off usually via an insipid one line email or SMS just to prove his superiority over me after we get into an inevitable disagreement. And because these sample cases are such wits, and therefore viewed as perfect, I am often blamed and attacked by my family because I failed to be a "real woman".

So while I beat myself up for not being malleable, shiny, fair, smiling, warm-hearted, beautiful and intelligent enough, and while I felt like the most insignificant piece of carbon matter and struggled to retain some sanity and psychological stability, I continued to cling on to a 16 year old's notion of a perfect man.

Really Div- Really?

Sometimes, it takes a wake up call from a dick like this- to remind you that its time to grow up, and move ahead. Going forward, I'm rewriting my subconscious recognition of a potential mate, from asshole to nice man- you know, one who actually has a heart. I think I've run after enough shitheads for one lifetime.

I was glad to let that one go. One more load off my chest, and one more step up the ladder to regain my self, and my power. 2013 is shaping up to be an interesting year.


P-2 Student said...

Very true. 'Cool' guys are not that cool, in the real sense of the word. It is a matter of perception that one has. Ans when perception meets reality, there is this huge disconnect and we get disheartened.

deviousdiv said...

P-2- things that seem soo obvious are often the things we learn the last.