I recently have concluded that I am not Crazy. It was a relief to finally come to peace with that- imagine going through life thinking you're crazy, and attracted crazy people to yourself. The situation only got worse when I started getting set up with random men, a topic I've gone around and about with, but you know what? I've reached my tipping point.
It just helps that my tipping point was towards sanity, and the realization that these setups can drive perfectly sane people crazy.
Because lets face it folk, even if you were the world's most beautiful person (which I'm not) or can attract a man/woman with the twitch of an eyelash and a sneer (which I can't), if you're Indian and Iyer (which I unfortunately am), you're probably going to be set up with a suitable someone. He or she could be your mother's friend's 2nd cousins' kid, or the 'highly qualified and well settled' person your parents found on some dodgy 'matrimonial website'.
The constant reminders that "you're going to die alone" from helpful family and friends, coupled with the pressure to make a life-changing decision without thinking it through, are all enough to drive anyone batty about these set ups.
And the part that no one seems to remember? If those setups, dates, and resultant relationships go badly or end badly (as they inevitably do), they have a negative impact on your life.
Ask me, I can quite easily write a damn book on the subject, since my life right now is nothing but a gurgling stew pot of messy set ups. I've at least had opportunity for plenty of practice, and lots of time to perfect my technique. But that said, these set ups are friggen hard, and getting harder by the day.
So here are my 5 truths about these set ups that no one ever tells you. Granted, that each and every setup is different, but on the other hand setups are still fundamentally all the same, because every participant is miserable in his or her own way. I could list 10,000 ways the men I've met are dysfunctional, but if you want to escape with your wits intact, the same rules always apply-- no matter how crazy the man or woman is:
1) This set up is not about you.
"But" you may argue, "This is my life, and my future". Well sorry to burst your bubble honey, but that's patently untrue. I know that its it's nearly impossible to see things from anywhere other than your own point of view, and the same selfishness applies to those who are involved in the 'setting up' process, and the participants.
Yes its tough, but its a human limitation. No matter how valiantly we attempt unselfishness (cue the "We're doing this for your own good" dialogues here) at at the end of the day we're still selfish bastards.
Unfortunately, getting as skilled as possible at seeing beyond the "me" and "I" is just about the only way to survive these setups. The reason for this is simple: this setup is not about you. More specifically, it is was not done to meet your expectations and needs and opinions. It's about meeting someone else's. In this case- your family, your community, your natal horoscope and of course the setup.
Another way to say it is "don't expect that your parents will always find the right ones." They may GET it, and WANT that too, but that doesn't mean you should EXPECT it from them. Sometimes you just need to accept they found a tool and move on, because if you kept on with the drama, and your parents wind up feeling like sh*t, you'll wind up feeling like even more sh*t. Bottom line-- no one is happy.
So getting over the whole "me" thing as much as possible, on a ceaseless basis the 'simple solution'? My mother certainly think so. But I disagree.
I'm not advocating "Give up your identity and shut off your own needs in an attempt at martyrdom." I don't say you should be a doormat, or pretend that you don't have needs in order to keep the peace. Experience has taught me the painful way, that shutting off means you're still extracting what you want from the other person -- by creating a fantasy, and never letting him/her know the real you. And when the lies come crashing down- more damage is done than by being honest in the first place.
The key is finding the balance, between being you, and being a more patient you.
2) You are 100% responsible for the setup's outcome.
Guess what! The setup is just that- a setup. But any relationship you develop after that, its about you, and you're totally responsible for it! What does this mean? For one, it means that when your potential does or says something that makes every cell in your body swell to bursting with liquid rage, it is your responsibility to deal with your anger, and resolve the situation. Every time.
Let me break it down.That UNGRATEFUL $#&@ SHOWS UP 30 MINUTES LATE, DECIDES HE'S TIRED, AND WANTS TO LEAVE AFTER THE APPETIZER, after making some perfunctory observations about himself.
So what do you do?
Well, you need to be responsible. You need to recognize that right now, you have a choice -- to be mad, to go silent, to prepare a painful revenge, to bring up your ex or whatever. It's all up to you. If you want this to continue, you shove the anger aside, discuss it rationally and let it go. If you don't want it to continue, then its up to you to make the next choice.
And for heaven's sake though- please don't involve your parents in this. They are never going to tell you 'its okay to break it off or walk away' because they have their own agenda, to get you married off. Plus- this disagreement is not about you alone, but also the other person, and involving your parents is akin to ganging up and bullying the person in question.
And that's not looking at the obvious- if you need your parents to make decisions for you or fight your battles, you shouldn't even be getting set up in the first place, because you're not mature enough to handle your own life, let alone your future relationships.
3) You can either be right... or be good.
This jewel of wisdom was bestowed upon me by my grandmother a couple of years ago, and the foolish teenager that I was, I brushed her off. "Oh Gramma..." I thought, "what an antiquated notion!"
But you know what, she's dead on. The truth is, some of these setups are nincompoops. Your natural urge to fight, and disagree with the idiocy will kick in. If you don't, you are robot automatons. And as is the case with most of these fights, it will come down to a single question: Who is right, and who is wrong.
Guess what! You're not right! Or maybe you are- - but you're still not, if you want the set up to end on a pleasant note. Think about it: What do you get from being right, and having him/her admit it? You get a momentary thrill of superiority followed by the rest of the evening with a surly resentful person. And after that horrible evening is over, you both will walk away with a bad taste in your mouth, and a bad impression about the other person.
And as any traditional Indian parent will tell you, your reputation is important, and by choosing to loose the argument, you'll walk away with your head high, as the polite, well mannered one who is intelligent, and can participate in a good debate. If you nitpicked your way to Debating glory however, you'll become the loudmouthed opinionated bitch/bastard. Been down that road folk- and trust me- the latter reputation isn't one you want.
Besides- its easier to feedback later on that the boy is a nitwit and let the parents handle it- than to handle it yourself.
4) The Setup is exactly who she/he is right now, and will never be anybody else.
Yes the setup is great according to his profile. He's so smart he can recite pi to the 500th digit. He's so handsome he melts the wings off canaries and so charismatic he charms maximum-security inmates with the force of his smile.
In fact, he'd be perfect IF ONLY HE'D CHANGE THESE 10 ASPECTS OF HIMSELF THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO MURDER BABIES AAAGGGHHH!!!
Well guess what: He won't change. Either accept him exactly as he is or bid him adieu. Trust your instincts- if those things that are peeving you off are doing so to such an extent that it could be a deal breaker, then you follow your instincts and say no. People who say "he can change" are talking out of their ass.
Simply put- ask yourself how much will you be willing to change for a person (and be honest in your reply). I think that answer will pretty quickly determine your final choice.
5) If your relationship with yourself isn't working, don't expect anything else to work either.
I know-- it sucks that this is true. But I've been down that road, and when stupid things happen in your life it's so tempting to beat up on yourself and ask a million questions about what you did wrong and suffer in exquisite agony and scream at the moon "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME WHY AM I SUCH A DEFECTIVE CLUMP OF CARBON MATTER!!!!!!"
Well I'll tell you right now: There's nothing wrong with you. Or, at least, there's nothing more wrong with you than any of the things wrong with me, or your set up, or any other human being roaming the earth.
So halt the self-inflicted suffering whenever you can (it's like a reflex, I know) and be kind to yourself. Loving, even. Think about how awesome you are. Take loving care of yourself. Because if you do, you'll get good at meeting your own needs -- and that'll be a massive help when it comes time to hearing out your setups, who may actually be a wonderful and nice guy you may throw over in your neurosis.
So those are my 5 rules. And yes- I know a lot of you think why I even bother with these setups. Well you know what? Its easy to say that I want no part of the entire setup business, but refer to rule number 1-- its not about me now is it?
~deviousDiv
2 comments:
The "arranged marriage" is a bogey-man. It is a label that has become a phenomenon that now is a stereotype for outsiders to beat up on Indians and for Indians to beat up on themselves. In reality is it any different from Jewish parents, say in Long Island, trying to set up their kids? Every culture has some variation of it. Every parent thinks - wants to believe, maybe - they know what's right for their kids. Most contemporary Indian parents with kids of marriageable age have accepted that their attempt is at best a pre-filtered first date that may or may not proceed further. After that first date, what happens is really up to the "boy/girl" (seriously, anyone wearing full length pants on a daily basis cannot be called a boy).
You need to co-opt your parents into accepting that their role today is only that of introducers, not match-makers. Those days are gone. Unlike those of your parents, yours is self destiny. Have a sit down or co-opt cousins and relatives to have that sit down with them. Once they get that they'll be more tolerable, and who knows, something might work out. For every arranged Indian marriage I know that worked, I know one that failed; and equally, it is a toss up between the number of failed and successful "love marriages". The only difference between the two is that you have no one to blame if a "love marriage" fails :) Don't focus on the moniker or the mechanism and take every first date, however it is set up, as something that you should press a red or a green button, mandatorily.
And if you think you will not end up a neurotic, spinster cat-lady and actually and eventually will seek Mr right or settle for almost-right, whatever the case, tell your parents too so they do not worry.
And, as much as I like reading your blog, the fact is men are no more or less judgmental than women. Find me a girl who likes a short man (or an ugly man, for that matter), and I will find you a guy who likes a fat girl. I do agree that it is not ideal to not have the guts to say things up front (to the introducers or to the introduced), but that is separate from every person's right to judge and indeed exercise it. No?
Hi CY,
"Most contemporary Indian parents with kids of marriageable age have accepted that their attempt is at best a pre-filtered first date that may or may not proceed further."
This may be true- but it won't stop them from pushing you into making a decision quickly. 6 months to know a guy is according to my mother, 'unreasonable'. She said, "If you think too much you'll definitely say no."
I suspect the key word is contemporary. While mine are contemporary by virtue of their age, they are mostly stuck in another decade- the decade they left India behind to come to Singapore.
While I have sat them down and explained their role as "introducers" several times- they are still slow on the uptake. It helped though that their rush job went belly up the last time, so I'm hoping that streak of common sense over-rides their sense of desperation that their ancient, withered and nearly dead crone of a daughter needs to get married before she dies socially the age of 30.
As for your comment on judging-- I do not question one's right to judge because lets face it everyone does it- all I say is to not allow this judgement to affect you on a personal level. I've been judged, and hurt by the experience- because, well I cared that I was judged negatively- in a communal setting.
Just consider though, if this was a regular date- the judgement would have been between the man and woman alone, and would have been their business alone. However once the parents and families are involved- the judgement becomes communal. Everyone talks about it. Even if you want to forget about it, you can't.
It takes an incredible amount of mental strength, or sheer apathy to deal with this. Unfortunately, if you are like me-- someone who values family too much, it'll be more of the latter than the former. So you need to be really cocky and sure of yourself, and thick skinned to survive this with your wits intact. Whether you are a short man, or a plump girl.
~deviousDiv
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