Eulogy to my dead friendships.

Friendships are such a funny things. The way most sane people handle it? "I meet someone, and then I go with the flow, if they stick around, its great, if no- that's fine too. Drifting away is normal, and losing touch is commonplace." 

But me, no- nothing has ever been so straightforward in my dysfunctional life. I have to obsess about friendships, losing them and finding them, and those nagging voices just won't accept 'the drifting apart' concept at face value. Immediately it starts sending darts of self-doubt. Suddenly, from happy, I would go into thinking that it had to be something I did. These little dramas play out in several ways.

1. In the first scenario, either a bad joke, or just ticking the person off causes the rift.  Either way, my curtness, inappropriate humor, or brutal frankness ends up offending or scaring the person, driving a spoke into the heart of the friendship and killing it. 

2. In the second scenario, a strange pause in the conversation, and then a quick subject change, on one too many occasions will get my neurosis going. Or when 3 page emails start dwindling down to one line. Suddenly, the friend in question has gone from being open and friendly to cold and distant. I'll end up spending the next few months micro-analyzing every pause, breath, comma and twitch in all our previous conversations. I will also obsessively email or contact the person in a last ditch attempt to save the drowning friendship. At the end of it, I'll feel like a prize fool for even bothering. 

3. In the third scenario, a number of days pass where there’s no connection at all, and then I will talk to this friend. It’s rapid fire, but the falseness is so thick I can hardly wait to get off the phone or chat. All of a sudden it'll dawn on me that I and the friend have nothing at all in common. I suppose a similar thought process will dawn on the friend in question because things will go back to being quiet for a long time.

All of the above three scenarios are a pretty good indication that something has gone awry and yes there are ways to handle it in a less neurotic fashion. However, it just baffles me that people choose to let friendships just disappear or lapse without a word. 

Don’t they have any idea the amount of wondering a person can do? Wondering is dangerous. When I start wondering too much, I can get dizzy and worse. And even trying to rebuild a fractured friendship is hard, especially if its still new. What happens if  I make contact? Do they respond? Are there excuses? Are they believable? Legitimate?  Then I'll start asking myself if I hold the friendship at the same level as before the long absence. If I'm told to my face that 'this isn't working out', I being to wonder if I’ve got a big “reject” stamp in the middle of your forehead when this happens. 

And I HATE it when I'm given the 'It wasn't personal' excuse. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Do these clueless idiots even realize how insulting a statement that is? Do they realize that they're telling me the entire friendship wasn't personal to them? Because it sure as hell was *personal* to me, which is why I even got involved in this friendship.

I know this is maudlin, but I'd find it hard pressed to believe that you've never felt the same way. And no matter how we look at it- it is a vicious circle of hurt, guilt, and rejection. Clearly there's a need for some strong inner- re-engineering here.

Beginning with- STOP BEING SUCH A BLOODY DIVA D.div! 

Pugalenthii Ramakrishnan, a Facebook Philosopher and a friend- put this on his profile today, 

"Don't play the victim in the movie of your life. If your thoughts are worries are always centered around it, then the cosmos will just duplicate your intention and present you with situations where you are always the victim. Recognize all the stunning miracles in your life. You will be amazed. Make amendments to those who sincerely love and care for you with your thoughts and actions. Radiate Love! Always remember that no storm or tornado can damage the sky. Be Positive, Be Pro-active, Be Awesome. God Bless & Cheerz!"


And it seemed like there was my solution staring me in the face all along. I need to stop seeing myself as victim, as someone at the mercies of somebody's emotional acceptance or rejection. So going forward I'm setting guidelines to define acquaintance, friend, and the select few cherished friends. This prevents a lot of pain, and hopefully gives my friends something to aspire to, if they can tolerate me long enough.


It’s pretty simple really- I'm breaking them up into categories-- short-term, mid-term, long-term, and lifelong friendships. Each category will be treated with different expectations and rules.


1. Short-term friendships are those that last 6 months or less. (I can expand or reduce that amount of time as I see fit, of course.) In this amount of time, I'll spend time to determine if I have enough in common to go to the next level, and if no, I will just cut all ties and call it a learning experience. Because lets face it folk- too many people we come across will never make it past this stage. Maybe I'm really annoying, or boring, or unable to relate to people. Whatever. I'm not going to need an explanation anymore because I'm not going to open up and trust so freely anymore. That way the hurt is reduced significantly, along with the needless self-analysis and guilt.


2. Mid-term friendships are 1-4 years long. I think if anyone makes it past the short term, there’s a good chance we'll be friends for a long time – because that's when I will let my guard down and unbend enough to show you my underbelly... the uncensored, mischievous and somewhat naughty div who is mostly dysfunctional and quite devious when the occasion calls for it.  If you make it to this stage, you're probably got a place in my heart. You'll get a Christmas card and a birthday present. I think its when friends leave at this point, it starts to smart a lot more, and here's where I'd want to know what I did, because I'd really not want to do that in the future. Really. Specifics are good. I think after a year, I'd merit the honesty. But going forward, I'm going to call these losses a lesson in self-improvement. I may cry a bit, but I'll move forward, with a new coat of tough. 

3. Long-term friendships are 5-10 years long, usually these people know that I’m not good at communicating very well despite all early indications to the contrary. They'd know all the shit that happened in my life, including the bullying, the broken hearts and even my favorite cocktail. I appreciate them even more for knowing my slanted sense of humor equals love and affection, and my aloofness is merely a result of looking at my monitor for too long or being a little to self-introspective at times. I cry for them, with them, and sometimes, because of them. When a long term friendship ends, it’s like losing an arm. These people are IMPORTANT. They KNOW stuff about me, things that I don't share with just anybody, and I absolutely HAVE to know that if you disappear after that amount of time, what I did wrong. I definitely must have fucked up somewhere, for a long term friendship to vanish. Seriously. What did I say? What did I do? You can’t just get to this stage and exit stage left without leaving a note. These losses are heartbreaking, and sad, and mournful. But like any grief inducing event, I will come out of it a stronger person, and take the best moments of the friendship and cherish it.

4. Lifelong friendships – This is the gold standard of friendships, because these friends obviously never left. Beyond the stage of needing any explanation that life happens, these are the friends who are comfortable enough for just 2 calls a year (as long as she never forgets my birthday, and I never forget hers, we will always be sisters at heart). These are those wonderful, cozy, and loving friendships that you know will never end. I’m so glad I have these, because I truly cherish them. And I’m also very glad I haven’t mourned the loss of one of these friends, because that would only happen by death, and that would be so sad that I would be blogging through Kleenex. There would be no other way.

Yes I'm looking at you A. Ram, all the Flowerhood girls, the A-Team, the South African, Anita, Carmen, Nethia, and all the others who've been there when my shit got rough.

As for the rest that didn't make it to stage 4- well I'm not going to shed any more tears over them and move forward with the friends I've got. Because in all honesty, there really is nothing I have done that could be SO bad that I don’t even rate enough for a call, a chance for an apology, or even a song and message sent to me anonymously via a small brown box without a return address in the mailbox.


This is my eulogy to all my dead friendships. Now enough dwelling on the dead, I'm going to live! 


And Ladies- time for some drinks? 


~deviousDiv


~deviousDiv